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Oh wow and here i can cleaning off dust on my Lj! Been too long so here I go.

After Anime Expo 2010 I was planing on doing another cosplay for Ycon. But after thinking through that plan I came up a better idea on which I was putting on hold for the longest time. Taking care of my heart.

It makes sense that I should. Besides I told a few of my friends that I would once Anime Expo was over. That means I won't be going to Ycon. That's if everything go's as I have planed.

The first step is to re-new my health plan card. Then talked to my boss about seeing how long I can have medical leave. Work for a few months and save up to cover rent and other things I have to pay. Reason to that is because after the operation, it'll take about two months to heal. After saving up the money, talk to my Doctor and set up a time and date for the operation.  What is need to be fix is that I have a heart valve leak. Meaning that when the valve opens up to let blood in my heart, it dose not close all the way, letting some flow back. That's bad. So I need that to be fix soon as I can. No time for cosplay for this matter though I wish I could. I could then I will. But for the mean time I have to stick to the plan. Today a friend will take me to my health care plan office to re-new my card or to see what's needed to re-new it.

I know I have been ignoring everyone's advise and everyone's care mind about my health. For that I am deeply sorry. And for those who do care a lot for my well being as well. I just... I just never gave them the chance for them to express how they felt about it till some time ago a few of my well beloved friends told me how they feel about how I was taking care of myself. I never had friends who would tell me such things, for example... Gaby. She busted her hump to just to get me on the right track to keep in shape.  And it work! But I ended up just dropping her whole idea and she ended giving up. I don't blame her for it though I do blame myself and I shouldn't done that. My feeling on her actions she did to help me was nice, thoughtful. But I didn't seem to care about it nor myself at the time.

But this is different now. Now that I have really deep, strong feed back I have to make up to them by doing this and seeing this through. "Enough with the bullshit and get it over with." Jace, my little brother told me this that made me think a lot. "I lost a lot of people who were close to me in my life and... Don't want to sit by my big brother dying on the bed. Knowing he didn't even try to take care of him self. I'd rather do that but... Knowing at least he tried." And another friend told me the very same thing. So you know where I am coming from this. And I just can't let my dumb thinking do this to them. The next post will be when I find out what's need to re-new card.

Alright... I have 5 pay-checks to go before Fanime. Meaning I have 10 weeks, every two weeks I get paid. Understanding what I'm saying is that Every pay will have to be in use and rest save. Why? it's because being in use will be part of the rent, my phone, the bills, order the rest of my things i need for my cosplay, and the rental car. The money being saved will be in use of Fanime, food, hotel, drinks, gas money, spending money, ect.

So everything is a big part of what i need to do. Plus my income tax will be here right before Fanime so I'll be okay for now. But other than that I just have to think this through. I don't want to drag anyone into this and can't get out. But really I mean there's so much to plan and make sure everything is okay. I have to meet a few ppl there. Jace, my little brother, Bert the Anime Chief, Andrew the photo shoot guy, Max the guy who i will be rooming with, Azu's art table to help out in which I want too ^.^ and so much more.

At this point if I can make enough for every pay I can deal. As long I don't do anything dumb like spend it on shit i don't need then ill be okay. Plus the income tax will help me out alot. Even though I can use that money on something else, I'm using it in my way and the way I want it will be on Fanime. AX can wait but... My cosplay is under way. I need to see how's everything with the girls and see where there at.

HHmm... anyone wanna give up there tofu? ^_^()
It's been too long I have posted here. Okay here's what's been going on...

Gaby's uncle left or MIA and has not paid part of the rent for two months. We ended up paying part of his share and suffer a bit because of it. But now our rent is a little higher than before but no worries there.

I was asked to do a photo shoot last weekend with a few friends I met at ycon. It was fun besides the minor defaults and being snowed in plus having no chains for the car we came in. The problem got worst when one of them would go home early so I can have a spot in the car on the way back. I knew he didn't want to go but he did because he knew he had work the next day and for him the planing was not going as planed for him that is. I felt bad for the kid so out of everyone, i mean everyone who came on the trip besides nick and burt and a few, they didn't even help me pitch in for his airplane ticket. So i ended up paying it for him. Hell the whole time i was taking care of him like he was my little bother! He's gental, sweet and kind. He's only a kid but man if you met him your heart will melt! 

After things were taking care of, we went to do snowboarding. I went as kakashi there. It didn't work out because i kept falling real hard on the ground alot. but i made it down. (in pain)

after the trip we ended up coming back here around 2 or 3 in the morning. it was fun but i was in the car full of kids well besides Andrew who was over 21. besides the point i was in the car with kids. Arg... man talk about trying to keep your cool when they ask you alot of questions about cosplay and everything else and your trying to be nice and try NOT TO KILL THEM! naw there were fun to talk to, being all cool them! hahahaha it was fun... but there was one guy who i was miss treating. I don't know I think I started on the wrong foot with him. I felt like an ass and being one too to him.


There was this guy who was really cool and every time i talked to him I felt calm and warm for some reason. His name will be unknown for now. But he's really smart and thoughtful. Kind and really cute of you see him! But over all after being his friend for a while we found out we have so much in common that we both took each other as brothers! Well it's because he's an only child in his family and he always wanted a big brother in his life. Well I wanted to help him with that. For a few days already we been talking about cosplay and other things that we both had in our minds. So far him being my little brother is going okay. Were doing a Nazi Lolita cosplay together soon with a photo shoot with it. I can't wait for that. He's the kid who I bought the plane ticket to. He was very thankful for what i have done for him. I mean if that had happen to me i'd be very happy to that person too.

During that time i was thinking about alot of stuff about a guy who i wanted to be with but with questionable feelings. I mean I do like him and all... but there's things i didn't like him about. He makes really good cosplay and wonderful props and everything but his mind set on what he think of others and him self is making me feel that i have shouldn't met this guy in the first place. But it's weird, he's cute, hot, sexy and everything that turns me on but in the same time things that he has makes me turn away and hate him. all that in the same time, this feeling sucks big time. My time to think it out has been not been going well. I want to be his friend I really do but knowing me i'd be after something more than that and somewhere down the line he's willing and not. I need to be strong on this and just see where this play out. Let's just say i want him to like me for who i am. not for what he wants me to do to make him feel loved.

During the trip i'd try to flurt with him, he moves back... he does the same, i don't move at all but be confuse in the same time...  ah... i hate this... -_-()

Out of this whole trip i ended up getting a speeding ticket just trying to get there in time, buying a plane tickit because no one had the money to help him so I thought I'd him a bit. I got hurt alot, cold, a bit buzzed and had a good time there. Over all it after the drama, everything was fun. I want to do it again but with a better planing on everything. Hope to see how that go's.
I thank you for the time you are taking to read what I have to say. At ALA Saturday night Gaby and my self threw a drinking party at our hotel room. The alcohol was provided by me and I was making the drinks as you already know. My train of thought was lost and I was upset. So upset that I left the room to be alone with Mel soon as Nadiea, Mel and Azu showed up. I and Mel talk for a bit and I returned to my room. My feelings were still had issues and my mind was clouded with anger. A knock on the door and Jazz was there. We took off to hang out and met up with Jeremy. Jazz and I talked about what happen that night and express how we both felt. Then I offered and all of us that we should get more drinks. “Let’s drink our dramas away!” The three of us headed back to my room and I made three over size drinks. As we headed back to the lobby we went to the lower part of the lobby and talked for a bit when we met up with Andy Lee. Once we finished our drinks we all wanted a second round. Once again we headed back to my room and made three over sized drinks. Soon after we head down to the pool area, and from there my actions took place.

People I tell you this, it was true. I did what I did and at that very moment I wasn’t thinking. I was drunk and wanted to forget everything that had happen back at my hotel room. My feelings were out of place and my mind was not where it should have been. There’s no repair of the pain I caused and the trauma all of you have experience. Understanding that I was part of a huge base of wonderful friends and I end up hurting one of them and all of you. For this I am sorry. I apologize what had happen to her and what I was doing to her. I was drink, mad and confused of what was going on and I had my desire get the best of me. I am deeply sorry to Jazz and to her closest friends that you guys had trust in me and knew better of me that I’d never do this to anyone. I broke that trust. And to other outside the friendship I apologize for what you found out and how you feel now.

I understand that out of all of us, no one would have guessed that something like this had happen. I was unaware of my behavior and in doing so it led to this. What was done is done and I can’t change it. For this image you all have posted upon my own well being I will accept it. Therefore as of right now, I will not be attending any cons at your own request unless other wise. You have displaced your feelings and anger and it was I who cause this madness of worry ness and anger.

I have too would feel the same way if this had happen to my dearest friends of mine. It had happen to me once. I too was a victim similar to what happen to Jazz. No words can comfort my feeling how I feel about this. I don’t want to lose any friends I had made this past year. I wanted friends and wanted to turn it to a family where I can say I am home. It had hurt me, deeply… that I was a part of this and I want to take this all back. I really do. You know knowing you guys made me think about my life and how it would went if you didn’t took the time to know me, hang out with me and being my friend… I’d be lost for good. But I thank you for the simple things all of you have thought me and made me understand that there’s more meaning to cosplay. Now I have lost your trust and your friendship. I wish to regain that trust and friendship. All of you had made a difference in my life. I learn now that once I have made a poor dissention of hurting one, I hurt all. The action would have been done the same if someone hurt me. And I knew that by your feeling towards how all of you felt about me before now. Again I apologize for this to happen and I take full responsibility of me and Jeremy’s actions.

Thank you for taking this time to hear me out. Please feel free to comment anything you way want to say to me.

I don't know what to do...

If you love me, let me go.
I can't see what you know
I feel I'm alone though your by me
Letting life being me, is the key
I wish you were my friend
Is what everyone claim to see, I rather end.

  I'm so lost yet I know where to go
  I'm so fucking sick
  My mind is playing tricks
  Rain walks the path of darkness
  Left me only a Kiss

A song with repeat, no one is hearing
Scrams of 'want out' echos back in my heart
I won't forget
I won't sleep
I won't leave
I won't fake out my tears
I won't cry out loud
I just can't... stand by your side... No more

  I'm so lost yet I know where to go
  I'm so fucking sick
  My mind is playing tricks
  Rain walks the path of darkness
  Left me only a Kiss

Why you play with feelings that are so weak yet care for them?
Do I see what you hurt and kill?
There for I get the blame?
I will burn the house and kiss the flames!
Frame by frame I see your face melt in the heart of my true hate
For this I wait, to call out the smoke and fire of lies, this is my fate
The air around me is taking by the angels that flee
Let go the past, let my fault flutter free...

I'm so lost yet I know where to go
(I need light!)
  I'm so fucking sick
(give me what I want)
  My mind is playing tricks
(tell me what I want to hear so long)
  Rain walks the path of darkness
(cold and dead, I still love you)
  Left me only a Kiss
(What i could of had if I gave a chance)

... my fault, my weakness, my coolness of the stars at night, only see me. 


I am back. Again... >.>

Umm I'd cosplay that but I know I'll be killed by the church mob who will be prostesting at 2010 Fanime.

But hey it's been a month and a week that I have last posted. I was aiming for 6 but lots has happen for the last month so yeah, why bother.

Well I should say that my most part i still have my new job and made very good and bad imprestions. I am way into my job. I follow the rules and everyone wants me to bend them a bit to not cause problems with the customers. Well hell if i was trained to be a dick to everyone, too bad I am a dick to all. That's my job! Not really but you know what i mean. After this point I will talk to my boss about my work and see where i stand. I mean i like the hours and the pay. but there's some issues i face every night that my own well being is put at risk. Being rob, shot at, ect. I work graveyard shift and I do have my regulars that come in and talk for a bit and take off to there home from work or going into work. I meet alot of weird people who i think there really something.

Another was that whole ALA. It was good. Me and Gaby had fun with our best bud, Phil. Over it was fun but i have to say, i needed more sleep because it seemed that Gaby and Phil felt that they were dragging a dead body around. I mean i just got off from work, 1 or 2 hours of sleep, we head to Azu's place not to mention that Nick was going to kill us (me and phil) if anyting, and i mean anything happen to Tuvan. Thank god i did a good job but i don't know what to say on phil's part. his driving skills questions me. Hmm.... The party was fucking crazy and i mean FUCKING CRAZY! over 50 heads in our room just to have a small taste of our ViC party. But i must let you know my hostes Gaby had made her choice by not throwing another ViC party until further notice.

Moving on, I just made a shit. It says "I <3 Cosplay Haters"  and in the backgound faded tone "V i C" I think it'll make some money. The very first copy of this shirt was sent to Phil. Why? Because I can. I'm a ViC. Very Important Cosplayer. HAHAHAH i love this shirt. If you want this cool shirt let me know and I will send you one. But the cost is may very because the cost just to print one shirt at a time is alot. 

The weather is getting better... NOT! it will not  make it's mind up. Clear skys, at the end of the day... RAIN. Rain in the morning, clear skys during at night. Cold during the day, warm at night. I mean WTF?!

Me and Gaby has started on our cosplay soon to be on at Fanime. My major cosplay will be my lolli Nazi. from there my lolli skurt with creepers. I'll see how that gose. Kakashi well maybe because I didn't have the chance to wash the wig and it really needs to be re-done or re-shape. Which on this case, umm... No. But I do have some dues I have to pay off to people. I never forgot my promise and again thank you for your big help when i was jobless for those months.

Well that's it for now. Well lets see how long i last with out posting anything up.

Around 3am in the dead of cold fogy night, I set out for a short walk. I had things running my mind and talking to anyone won't help. So I took a short walk around the block in the fogy cold night.

I loved it! Every moment that I had felt that night was something I missed for so long. Back in my High school days me and my friends would walk around the whole city just to kill time. We'd wake up late in the afternoon, kick it at Gaby's place and when 1 or 2am it the clock, we were off to Denny's. Once we get there we'll order the same thing over and over again. After eating and having our late night talks, we walk back and go to sleep. After that, a week latter it was the same thing over again. It kept was busy yet out of trouble. We were teens with alot of stress and issues that none of us couldn't handle alone.

Our talks was our outlet. Our time to express how we feel about our lives and show each one of us our dreams and fears.

I had that same night just now but alone. But that's okay. How I see it is that every time I blow out my breath out and see my breath in the cold slowly drifting away in the night, I see it as one of my worries leaving me. I felt good about it for once. The night was cold and settle. Next time when it's cold out and a bit of fog out, I'm taking another walk. It would be nice for anyone to join me. At this time like this I can really open my mind up and talk about it with no hold backs and no worries. I think me working grave yard shift did this to me. Up all night, sleep all day. Who knows.

My words for the night.

"Cold as it is in the night, alone and still, I am happy.

For being happy I see the truth of my issued thoughts.

For that I can rest peacefully when the sun shine's my whole day away."


He lost his mind at the airport.

You see how she looks right? That's how I felt when I heard my dad talk for an hour what did for the past 15 years of his life. I'm not going to tell you what he did but let me tell you this... I wanted to thank him for leaving me in the first place! I'm sorry but but guy is NUTS! Way out his head. The Government of the Philippines kicked him out because his visa ran out. Meaning he's an American by law or something. So get this, he wants to go back! I was like "wtf" and he wants to start giving me money soon as he get's a job. My plan would be is what ever money he gives me, I'll give it back to him when he starts asking me for money. So in a I'm doing him a favor. Weird but funny if you think about it. So my dad is a run down loser. In a good way I mean, he's not running any one down with drama.

Oh I'm starting to buy my stuff slowly. First is the boots. Then the outfit, the wig, gloves, hat, patches and metals. Soon by the end of march, my Nazi Lolli will be done. And I'm looking into other cosplays here and there. I asked Maxie if he would like to cosplay Loveless with me. Never got an answer from him yet.

Any way as to looking for what to cosplay I have to look around. Any anime I should take a look at? In the mean time I'll be looking around.

"Tenchi... I am your father!"

Okay everyone is having a good yet a weird way of there thanksgiving. Well for the record I never thought I would see myself forgive someone for what this man did. My real father wanted to see me. My real father. The father I never seen in my whole life. But do I feel any sadness, anger or joy knowing he's here to see me? To be honest, I felt numb. I felt nothing but a empty blank. I want to be mad but I can't. Maybe it's because thanksgiving. Or maybe it was a good reason he left because my mother did her best taking care of me. But over all I just can't leave him there. If he has enough guts to show his mug to me for so long of him not being there for me, well... I forgive him. I did better without him anyway right? I think so! ^_^ But we are all humans. Maybe latter on I'll make a small stop to say hi and show him what a man I have become with out him. Even though he is my dad, come to think of it, he had many chances to make it up. I mean all these years with out a word and out of no where? I don't know mind you I am drinking so yeah. My thinking is kinda off. Oh well. I know I am not mad at him I just feel nothing for him.

Anywho... ALA is coming up and I have to get ready for the drinks. Me and Gaby have to talk on what to buy and what to use there. Last con we had alot of bottles. Peter and Bobby pitch in. Thanks guys! ^_~ Well hope everyone is having a good one.

Trying to Cut it close

I have started my idea of cosplay of a Nazi lolli right after Fanime. During AX my idea expanded even more. From there it'll hit the 6-month mark and nothing. I have to get started on this. Gaby and I had the talks about the idea about my plans on my next cosplay. A lolli butler. Or host. But any way, I have to act fast and make it. My goal on which is very slim is have it done by ALA. Buts with hotel, food, bottles for the party, the convention cost and let's not forget, my rent. So for these two months I have to see where this will be taking me. As of this moment The Nazi and Host lolli will be done when Fanime is around. But my main goal is the Nazi Lolli. Peter will be cosplaying with me as well. Hell he even got all rally up about the whole idea about it. He's going to cosplay as a Jew. Umm... ask peter on that part. I have no part of that idea on which I will be a NAZI.

Hotel...   $85.00
ALA...      (Unknown)
Food...   $60.00
Gas...     $40.00

Nazi Lolli

Wig...                                     $50.00
Boots...                                 $80.00
Coat and pants...                $80.00   
Hat...                                      $85.00       
Patches and arm band...  $38.00
Gloves...                               $15.00
Make up done by Gaby... (unknown)

That's most of the listing right there. Have to get all this before ALA.





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